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It's just a fairytale..
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Alone.. LAREINA BELLA AI Janice,14,BalestierHillSec Loveables :
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11:11 Happiness is all i wish to have.... --  Same new bag with Jaslyn Promoted to 3E2 15 points for O Level Shop till i drop FRIENDS FOREVER WITH JJXED! |
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Wednesday, December 2, 2009 Title : Rants, rants and more rants ! Life in Grandma's house is severe. I feel like an animal being caged. An animal trying toescape from this hell place, and then being caught back and punished.At times, i feel completely broken. My grandparents reprimand me for everything i've done wrong. I know,deep in my heart, they meant well for me. That must be tough when you're in your 60s to turn a teenager over a new leaf. You might be wondering where are my parents, actually, i don't have a specific answer for that, my mum pass away when i was 11, primary 5. My father left us this year. I don't know why. I often thought, " is it because i am over playful? " and things like that. He didn't tell us why he wants to leave us. I got really mad with him. But i don't really blame him. It's strange, despite everything he have done, i don't really blame him. We're father and daughter afterall. My father may be flawed, but he is still my father. My father used to disappear for days and then coming back drunk. If he's vexed over work or personal problems, he'll scold us. It must be very painful for my mother to struggle on, work for us, and earned for money. So, my grandparents,aunties and uncles became my guardians. My siblings and i were the focus of their love and attention and for awhile, it might almost have filled the yawning gap my parents has left for us. But, in my opinion, i don't think there's any replacement for parents. They dote on us. And talk slowly to us, trying to understand us. But, i only left them with disappointments. School's complaints, police's case, quarrels with aunty, friends, teachers... They soon lost trust and confidence in me. I was a model student by then in primary school. I've no complaints from school. And i was one of the 5 in the whole girls brigade, which includes more than 50 students, choosen for leadership camp. I felt honoured. My childhood's dream is to be a lawyer, i really work towards it. I studied hard for my PSLE. and for any other minor tests, examinations. But, i lost confidence when my PSLE result didn't meet the expectations of my family. They started laughing at me, saying that i am stupid. I've already tried my best, why can't they understand me? Choosing Balestier Hill as my secondary school was the biggest mistake i've done. I could have got in to a better school. Fairfield methodist, Gan Eng Seng, i could have got in. In that school, i learnt many bad things, you can say that i am being led astray. I don't know, but i got really fun with them. We call each other, sisters, brothers. I have this naive thought that, ' I can spend my life together with them and forever" Untill one day, i quarreled with which i thought was my best sister. I don't know what came over me that day, when i just lost control of myself, and starts to scold whoever gets in my way. I don't know what happen. I have this very big quarrel with her, untill one of us step out, and we patched up. I don't know what will happen in the future, more quarrels, or we will be even stronger? Soon, i got into shoplifting. I don't know why. I just think that it is exciting and fun. Each and everytime, i see the disappointment in my grandparents' eye, i wished to stop it. I tried very hard. But i am just like the drugs addict. Couldn't get rid of this addictions. Once, i even got into police case. I didn't dared to call my grandparents to bail me out, because, each and everytime my grandma tell me about the story of my mother through wrinkled, tears-soaked eyes. My heart ache. So, i called my father to bail me out. And yes, he did. When we walked out of the police station, he told me something that motivates me to change. He said, " Have you forgot that you want to be a lawyer? Buy a bungalow for us to stay in ? " I teared. I've forgotten that, the following day was my father's birthday. I went back to school. Being caught with brown hair, principal called my father, he went down. What a great birthday present i gave him this year. I am not a filial daughter. After that day, i quit shoplifting. And i really stopped. Yes, i admit. I tried smoking. Alchohol and laughing gas slowly came in my life as well. I suppose that's not the truth because the truth is that, i went searching for it. I got to know this boy from my secondary and yes, we went steady. This is the biggest mistake i have ever done in my whole life, not because he is a bad one. Yes, i admit, deep down in my heart, i know i have loved him. And i've done something wrong. really wrong. I've never thought that i will have a mistake like this. A big big mistake. I regretted it. I've know him since febuary this year. He knows what kind of girl i am. Those rough and "crazy bitch" type-of. He didn't show any disaprovement at that time. Soon, his presence became a strong influence in my life. I will have think of him before i do anything. My relationship with him seems to bring out the best and the worst in me. There were times i wished that i am with him, and at times, i hope that he will vanish into thin air right away. My result isn't good in secondary, i can say that, it's bad, real bad. My reputation was tarnished. Teachers hated me. Even though i tried to change, they didn't seem to see the change in me. I just want someone to praise me and motivate me to turn into a better person. His intentions were good. I know that he wants me to get good results and turn into a better person. He cared a great deal of me, maybe he might haven even loved me. I don't know. He didn't judge me like anyone else. Towards exam period, he encouraged me in words that read like sweet poetry. " You can do it dear, study hard! " he'd say. I don't know where his confident comes from. I admired his tenacity to stick with a loser like me. And i think i fell in love with him for that reason alone even though it just barely 2 months. It was a descent into hell. I don't know what happen in between, perhaps, i am too paronoid and started to post stuffs in facebook, ect. Soon, everything we had crumbled into nothing, slipping through my fingers like sands. And yes there's this guy, even though we didn't really go steady, but i think he really cared for me. Thanks alot. Because of him, i stop piercings and took out everything. ( yes, i pierced back everything now ). It's just like a brother, taking care of a younger sister. Thanks alot ! I long to have a elder brother :P I worry about my future, if my grandparents pass away, i will have no shelter over my head. There's other relative, but i felt embarrassed about troubling them when i have a conflict with them. What will happen to us, the 4 brother and sisters? I have so many goals, but i don't know how to get there from here. I want to study hard. I said that everytime, but i can't control myself and then get back to what i am again. I Want the old Janice to be back. The one that fights for everything. The kia-su one. The one that only-wants-to-win. The one that compete in results everytime after exams. 2009 is a bad life for me. 2010 will be the very beginning of me. Starting from the bottom. Striving for the best. I've potential in me that i can bring out. Why waste them while i have them? Just hope, i can fight through this. I gonna study hard and bring the best out of me. I will not let any teacher to look down on me ever again. Never. Miss Yati, Mrs Tan ( Art teacher ), Miss Tan ( Science ), Miss ong ( Maths ), Mr sugu, Miss Gan, Relief teachers, Vice principal, principal, Mr Kamsari, Mr quek, Mr Chia, Mr Siaw and other teachers i have quarreled with. I hereby swear that i gonna show all of you, actually that i can study hard. And stop looking down on me. I can do it, and you'll see. Continue to be prejudice against me, i don't care anymore. Just wait, and i will proof you wrong. I know teachers are viewing my blog every now and then, so see this. This paragraph is specially dedicated for all of you. ps/ might sounds dramatic in this post, but i meant every word i typed/said. ps/s- Teachers if you're not happy with me about posting this, find me after CA1. I'll show you my result and proof you wrong. * Even though, i've decided to change over a new leaf, but i will not hesistate to scold people that has scolded me for no reason/ for things i've not done wrong and you assume i've. To: 大aunty. Hi, even though i've decided to turn over a new leaf, i will not stop hating you yeah. Because you're seriously unreasonable. Siding your daughters and son ain't bring them anywhere but only harm and it will only led them into a wrong path. Your indulgence despite their wrong doings will only make them think that they can get all away with it and still have your protection in spite of their wrong-doings. They ought to get scolded if they have done something wrong. Please, am i wrong to ask them to keep my stuffs after they have finish using it? And, you said it very loudly in grandma's house that this is not my house, why am i here making a big fuzz out of that thing. Please reflect on yourself, this aren't your house either, why are you here shouting and yelling away? So you think i've commited a crime by sleeping into late afternoon with the sunlight shining on my ass? Hey please, 10.30 isn't late kay. On music out loud in the morning. Alot people are still sleeping, place yourself in my shoes, i wake up 5am in the morning every weekdays for school. Only be back in the late evening. I need more sleep during the holiday to maintain my "beauty" kay. I have heavy eye bags. I am not like you, you're already 40 plus, you're reaching menopause stage soon, oh-my. You don't need to have any " beauty sleep " . I am only 13, i need okay. Do some soul-searching, even grandma and others think that you are really ridiculous and unreasonable, even the maids think so. Don't you think you can't even be compared to maids? Not happy come down talk only. You're 40 plus and i am 13. Don't you think it's so shameful to quarrel with a teenager when you're reaching menopause? What's wrong with me going out ALMOST everyday? It's holiday. Do you want me to be a huang lian po staying at home like you? Act sexy? Think that you're oh-so-beautiful? Hey mind you. If i walk out to orchard road, there are still people asking me for number. How about you? I am not saying that i am oh-so-beautiful/sexy ( Other words you can think of it ), but at least i am better than you? Look at your tummy. 4 layers. People 3 only, you 4. Leg still got those ' stripes ' Oh my. Alright, i shall stop here. Waste of energy talking to you only. Bye bitch. To : Grace. Hi Bitch. Stop seeking sympathy here in my blog kay. You are just one idiotic thief stealing our things and sell to others for money. If you are being caught by the police in misswadever and girlz . I think you will have to pay more than a thousand dollars. A pair of earring for 7.90 . 10 for 79. 100 for 790. You have stolen more than that i guess. Oh ya, not forggeting wallet and stuffs there too. Hyprocites. Zzz, you're worst than my aunty. i shall stop here then. -- Seeking for forgiveness. To : 1E3 classmates, [ Excluding Xiuwen and Xuanna ] I am not close with you guys, and sometimes i guess i am really making you guys angry. and yet you guys can't say it out. I am really sorry for the troubles i cause for all of you in class this year. Sincerely apologise to all of you, and hope all of you will accept it and forgive me kay. (: To : Xuanna and Xiuwen and felicia.T Okay, even though we quarreled or what, i don't know what will happen in the future, but now what is happening is that, 3 of you are still my wonderful friends. Sorry if i've done anything that make you angry. And please study hard next year together okay! Streaming next year. At least die die must get into 3e2! we can de. Jiayou ! * love ! :D To : Dawn, Jaslyn. Ya and again, really happy to have both of you as my senior yeah. Everytime cheering me up when i am sad with stupid stunts. LOL. And, i think because of what i have done, alot of seniors hated me. But yet, both of you really stand by my side and encourage me. really thanks alot. I don't know what views you have on me, but i hope it's all positive yeah ! * wink!But then, in my view, both of you are reallyreally great senior and friend to me. To : Ivy Tan ( senior ) Even though we have a misunderstanding before early this year. But i'm glad that we have sort all this out. I am really really gladful that you didn't went around gossiping about me and telling others things here and there. Because, others might have done this. Understand that you're a friendly person through Jaslyn. And i'm sorry for the misunderstanding we had before. I know you view my blog, Forgive me? (: Others. To : Mozartians. I don't know how many of you will read this, but, i hope that everything goes well to all of you yeah? Anyone for classgathering/chalet? (: . To : Other friends that cheered me up. People like, wendy, yanching, chuxi, ivy.W and co. Thanks alot for being at my side and cheering me up everytime. Thanks alot. really. I hope that you guys will remain as my friend next year also okay! And i think we'll be closer than ever. I luv you guys to the max! |
Blogshop  Main Page Order Form Sold-Out NDF & DF-FBTS Dresses Hair Accessory Bracelets Eye-liners Tees Onto HeadphonesNoise.. Bygones I saw someone masturbate There's one thing i have to say . Girl ar girl. Yo... 人家气我，我不气， 我若生气中她计，若是气死，没人替， 想想还是别生气. ☺ 为什么要生她气? ... 81110904 This is some bitch's no. Can do anything ... To : Bitch! (:Hello bitch. ^^ . Please be happy th... Well, things didn't go smoothly as i planned. B... Excited for my post today? ^^ But well, i am excit... For the sake of reviving my blog's neatness, i've ... Ok. I don't know what happened to my blockquote th... Long time didn't do a proper post. My apologise fo... Take a bow Designer: Janice CREDITS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO BE REMOVED |
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